I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
