he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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