Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
