i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
