Your dad touched me again.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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