shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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