and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
