As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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