I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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