watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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