last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
