I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
