she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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