handjob tips. give me some.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
