I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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