Porn is love you can see.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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