I'm so fucking centered right now
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
