Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Green mimosas i think yes
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
