shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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