This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
