Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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