I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
