He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Let the clothes fall where they may.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
