I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
