When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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