i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
