11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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