hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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