She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
