But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
