Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I am midnight drunk by noon
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Randomize
