May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
