She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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