You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Randomize
