you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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