I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
