saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
