No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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