Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
