Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
