I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
