Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
