the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
wow bdsm is so cute
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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