I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
