My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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