I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
