Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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