I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
