like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
