Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
