I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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