I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
